For the past few weeks, I’ve been living under a cloud dominated by unhealthy comparison. Last year was hellish for our family—we lost two babies. One to stillbirth and the next to miscarriage. Here’s the thing that’s been tripping me up: I’m ok. Like, really truly. Is my heart forever changed and was it broken? Well, yeah. Of course. But I knew it didn’t have to stay that way from day zero. From the moment I thought we may lose our second son, I knew that however devastated I’d be, I was never beyond restoration.
Since beginning this blog and sharing my story here, I’ve come into contact with many heart-wrenching stories of loss and pain. Some I wasn’t able to read because it wasn’t a place I wanted to go psychologically and some were so full of darkness that I couldn’t help but wonder how these people were still breathing, let alone walking around and functioning.
Naturally, I compared myself. I compared my story. It was subconscious for the most part, but it was there and it created some real havoc in my soul.
What was wrong with me? Why wasn’t I this torn up about my losses? Was I so emotionally detached that my world wasn’t able to be blanketed with the darkness I saw in these stories?
Lies, lies, and more lies.
I felt guilty that I wasn’t consumed by and devastated by our losses. It took some talking it out and time to come to this conclusion, but when I did, it was freeing. I could breathe again because I knew I was living under false accusation and an incorrect understanding of my design.
Originally, we were perfect. Humans, I mean. We were without blemish or fault and full of innocence and beauty. Now, this is all according to a Biblical model (which you’ll find is truth if you dare to dig), so it may sound familiar. But then we fell; we invited sin and chaos and pain into our lives after being warned away from it. We heard the lie and sunk our teeth into it, even though truth and perfection were within our grasp, offered to us freely.
You did this. I did this Every day we’re presented with new lies, crafty and devious and perfectly suited to trip us up right where we are. So we do it again. We muddle through, accepting the lies and living in their destructive wake.
Say it isn’t so.
Did you know that this wasn’t the design? Did you know that although we chose and continue to choose this path, we aren’t meant to and don’t have to?
Um, hello, count me in! When that lightbulb comes on, and for me, it continues to in stages like an incandescent tube slowly flickering to life, it’s truly incredible. And the palpable relief and healing it brings is enduring and real. So much of what we see in life is counterfeit, but this original and now revised design for life we’re offered is authentic, legitimate, bona fide, and substantial.
I don’t want to live under the weight of a lie. I don’t want you to either. The fascinating part is that I didn’t even realize it until I sought some wise counsel (ok, the counsel sort of sought me…I’m stubborn and, ahem, lacking in intelligence at times) and hashed out what was weighing me down. The enemy is ravenously wily and will stop at nothing to keep you in bondage to him rather than embracing the design of the King.
Let me repeat that point for you: you weren’t created to live in a fog of pain. And so if you’re in Christ, a new creation, restoration and healing are normal. Natural. That’s what should be the eventual condition of your heart with the power of Jesus at your disposal. That doesn’t mean you’ll look the same as you did before. You won’t. And that doesn’t mean it will happen overnight, in a week, a month, or even a year. But you can be joyful, happy even after the loss of your child. An incomprehensibly powerful God desires this for you. Seek Him to make that a reality.
You’ve got the power.
Don’t let our duplicitous adversary win your heart. I wasn’t meaning to let my guard down, but he found a weakness and snapped at the chance to barb me. And it worked for a while because I was naively swallowing lies without filtering my situation through the powerful sieve of truth.
We have access to a power so far above and beyond that of our enemy that he has no real chance in this battle. So don’t let him think he has one. Be on guard, be aggressive, and find confidence in your King who fights for you. Spoiler alert: the good guy wins this one, so hang on tight. Victory is at hand.