Sometimes trusting God requires a herculean effort. It doesn’t come naturally. This was one of those times. Child loss is one of those times.
The week of Theo’s due date (December 12th), we discovered that I was pregnant. All of the sorrow leading up to that day faded because of this new hope in baby form. We were so sure that this timing was God’s hand: not only did we learn about the new baby the week Theo should’ve been born, but I would be due right around the time we lost our second boy. What amazing timing! We were cautiously overjoyed.
On January 6th, I went in for my first ultrasound and the outlook was grim. There was no heartbeat and the baby was a week behind in growth. I had hormone levels checked and they had risen over 48 hours, so we remained hopeful until another ultrasound confirmed our fears: Our third child stopped growing at around seven weeks gestation. I had miscarried. The grief was numbing.
It doesn’t seem fair, this life sometimes. There are these monumental questions that loom answerless and I despise the not-knowing, the wondering, the doubting. It’s suffocating and makes me feel so utterly abandoned at times. My all too often faithless heart becomes angry and shakes its fist at this God Who claims to love me and have a plan of hope for me.
And then I am blinded by the reality of His goodness amidst the struggle, the light shining so radiantly in my darkness, and His constant, never-ceasing provision in my life. I am so like an obstinate child, not willing to see past the immediate “why can’t I have it, God?!” to the glorious reality of His plans, whatever they may be. Whatever they may be. That’s the catch, isn’t it? He allows these things to come into our lives, doesn’t answer us the way in which we desire, but His sovereignty over it all demands that we lay it down no matter the cost. Because the reward, oh the reward.
Because the reward, oh the reward.
So who am I to question Him, to doubt Him? I can’t, I won’t. But when I fail in that endeavor – and I do – He will remind me in all of His goodness and love and patience that I am His, and that He has bought me with a price. Even though this world is tainted with sin and pain and heartbreak, He is here and He is here to restore and comfort and someday wipe the ugliness of this world away. How I long achingly for that day. Until then, I will trust Him and remind my forgetful self of His faithfulness day in and out.
“The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” ~Lamentations 3:22-23