It happened. We lost another one. Let me explain…
The week of Theo’s (our second son whom we lost to stillbirth in August of last year) due date which was December 12th, we discovered that I was pregnant. All of the sorrow and angst leading up to that day and the holidays dissipated because of the great joy that hopefulness brings. We were so sure that this timing was divine: not only did we learn of the new baby that difficult week, but I would be due right around the time we lost our second boy. What marvelous design! We were cautiously overjoyed.
On January 6th, I went in for my first ultrasound and the outlook was grim. No heartbeat could be found and the baby was a week behind in growth. I had hormone levels checked and they had risen over 48 hours, so that blasted hope stayed in place until yesterday, when another ultrasound confirmed that our third child ceased growing at around seven weeks gestation. I had miscarried. The grief was, is numbing.
It doesn’t seem fair, this life sometimes. There are these monumental questions that loom answerless and I despise the not-knowing, the wondering, the doubting. It’s suffocating and makes me feel so utterly abandoned at times. My all too often faithless heart becomes angry and shakes its fist at this God Who claims to love me and have a plan of hope for me.
And then I am blinded by the reality of His goodness amidst the struggle, the light shining so radiantly in my darkness, and His constant, never-ceasing provision in my life. I am so like an obstinate child, not willing to see past the immediate “why can’t I have it, God?!” to the glorious reality of His plans, whatever they may be. Whatever they may be. That’s the catch, isn’t it? He allows these things to come into our lives, doesn’t answer us the way in which we desire, but His sovereignty over it all demands that we lay it down no matter the cost. Because the reward, oh the reward.
So who am I to question Him, to doubt Him? I can’t, I won’t. But when I fail in that endeavor – and I certainly will with this fickle heart I battle – He will remind me in all of His goodness and love and patience that I am His, and that He has bought me with a price. Even though this world is tainted with sin and pain and heartbreak, He is here and He is here to restore and comfort and someday wipe the ugliness of this world away. How I long achingly for that day. Until then, I will trust Him and remind my forgetful self of His faithfulness day in and out.
“The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” ~Lamentations 3:22-23